Christmas
by All-Things-TMNT
Summary: I wanted to make everything better, I wanted to right all the wrongs I had done. I never expected that atoning for my mistakes would cost me my life...but if it was in the better interest of my family, I would do it. My life was my Christmas gift to them.
1. Chapter 1

This night had done a complete 180.  
I seriously for the life of me couldn't figure out how any of this had happened.  
Hours ago I was at home fighting with my conscience. Then I was blowing off steam on a run. Then I was visiting a friend.  
And now? Now I'm fighting for my life.  
This enemy, this monster that wanted to take me out definitely had the upper hand here.  
Every strategy I thought of, he countered. Every attack I had, he was familiar with.  
He knew me.  
It was like he was one of Karai's Footbots, adapting to my every move.  
But he's had years of adapting, because he'd learned everything I learned as I was learning it.

_*****Post-Slash and Destroy.**_

Leonardo's P.O.V.

Holidays were a big deal to my family.  
Donnie was always more interested in New Years Eve and the Fourth of July. Growing up, he'd been fascinated by fireworks and how they worked.  
Raph loved Halloween so much, he kept a Jack-o'-lantern in his room year round. That one night of the year where we could be seen and accepted, it was huge to him…and you know, scaring little kids was always fun…  
Thanksgiving meant a lot to Mikey because he loved cooking. Master Splinter rarely cooked for us, leaving Mikey more in charge of food, but on Thanksgiving he helped Mikey out. And I think Mikey really enjoyed getting to spend the extra time with our father doing something aside from training.  
Obon Week, or just Bon, was Master Splinter's most revered holiday. In Japan, the Bon Festival is a week used to honor the dead, mainly one's ancestors. I think more than anything, he used it as a week to pay homage to his wife, Tang Shen and, up until recently, his daughter Miwa…though now he and I knew Miwa was alive.  
For me, I couldn't ever really pick a favorite holiday…they all meant the same thing to me: family time. I really did love the whole family theme of holidays, as cliché as it sounded. My favorite season, though, was autumn, just because everything seemed so relaxed and calm.  
All the holidays were special to us, but as a family, _**Christmas**_ always stood out.  
As children, of course we couldn't see it as anything more than gifts. We never got much, but Sensei did his best to get us the things we wanted. Somehow each year, he'd be able to get us presents.  
We even all believed in Santa. We'd write letters to him, leave out small treats for him on _**Christmas**_ Eve. Some years, we'd even stay up as late as we could to try to see him. It was a lot of fun for us as kids, until one year when Donnie actually built cameras, and we saw Master Splinter putting out the presents for us…  
Raph didn't talk to Sensei for almost three full weeks he was so mad when he found out. Mikey was pretty upset, and refused to believe the tapes were real. Donnie was more factual about the situation, telling us he'd known it was statistically impossible. Yep, even at a young age, Donnie used science to prove everything.  
I was neutral about it, neither mad nor happy. I just respected Master Splinter for trying to give us as much of a normal children's life as possible, even though we were not normal. And part of me believed it was special for him too, getting to raise the children he'd never gotten to raise.  
We were definitely all different on the issue, but we never let Sensei know what we knew until we were eleven.  
Still, that never stopped us from loving _**Christmas**_, mainly because Master Splinter never stopped giving us presents. And when we got older, we started giving presents to each other as well.  
We were petty limited to what we could get. Every year we just made stuff for each other with what we had. Donnie of course always gave the best presents, because he could invent the coolest stuff…not that it was a competition.  
…_Okay, it was basically a competition_. But we're brothers, of course we had to outdo each other.  
At the heart of that competition, though, it really was about our family, and all being together. No one in our home was ever in a bad mood at _**Christmas**_ time.  
But this year was different for three main reasons.  
One, we were finally allowed to go to the surface, meaning we were able to get actual gifts.  
Two, we had a human friend, April, who could help us buy legitimate gifts.  
And three, Raph couldn't seem to cheer up this year.  
All of us knew why; it was his first holiday in years without Spike.  
A few weeks prior, Raph had confiscated Donnie's experimental mutagen, and Spike had exposed himself to it. And unexpectedly, Spike went after all of us, wanting us dead because of the way we had treated Raph on occasion. (Whenever we'd upset Raph, he'd talk to Spike about it, never realizing Spike was taking all of his words to heart, and hating Donnie, Mikey and I more and more every time…)  
When Spike saw that Raph was going to choose us over him, Spike even went after Raph. And that hurt Raph pretty badly.  
Spike was Raph's best friend, and none of us could replace that.  
The first few days, after Master Splinter had talked to Raph, he seemed somewhat okay. He interacted with us, played games with us, etc. But on about the fourth or fifth day after we lost Spike, Mikey had upset him. Usually when that happened, he'd go in his room for an hour or two, vent to Spike, and come out okay. That night he went in his room and didn't come out for hours, still in a bad mood when we finally did see him again.  
He'd lost his emotional outlet, and that was hurting him greatly.  
The way Raph had seen it, Spike was dead, and he would never see him again. Though Spike was still very much alive, just different in form, Raph thought that he would never get to see his pet turtle, his best friend again.  
The weeks up until now, December 22nd, he'd been moping, often snapping with fits of anger. Not even the holiday season could cheer him up.  
"Raph, come help us!" Mikey shouted excitedly.  
Donnie, April, Mikey and I were setting up our _**Christmas**_ tree. I used butterfly knives to trim it while the other two sifted through our box of ornaments and April untangled the lights. Another benefit of having a human friend this year, she could use her fingers to untangle all the wires, which was pretty difficult for us…  
Raph stayed on the couch, reading.  
"I don't really wanna," he said, barely putting any effort into his response.  
I knew why he was sad; it was his first _**Christmas**_ without Spike. The next year was going to filled with "firsts without Spike," and Raph was gonna need some help to get through them. But he was also going to need the time to mourn as well. I understood this, so I said nothing.  
Mikey, however, was determined.  
"Stop being a party pooper, dude," he sang happily.  
"Mikey, I said no," Raph spoke a little harder.  
Those bursts of anger I mentioned earlier, they usually happened in these moments: when Mikey would start pestering Raph…awesome for the holidays, especially when April was over…  
"Man, somebody's being a holiday downer," Mikey commented, walking over to Raph and draping tinsel on him.  
Mikey had basically just lit the fuse of a bomb.  
_Three…Two…One…  
_Raph grabbed the tinsel and shot up from his seat glaring at all of us. He threw it on the ground and stomped on it with his foot.  
"I don't want to celebrate shit," he declared. "So Mikey, and all of you, just leave me alone."  
With that, he stormed off to his room and slammed the door loudly. The sound echoed throughout the lair.  
We were all silent as Mikey turned back to us.  
"I just wanted him to cheer up…" Mikey looked back at us sadly. "It's _**Christmas**_, no one should be in a bad mood…"  
"We know, Mikey," Donnie said, turning his attention to a stunned April. "Raph's still struggling with the whole Slash thing."  
"I get that," Mikey said. "But it seems like nothing we do can cheer him up."  
It was true. Donnie and Mikey had been trying to cheer Raph up constantly since that night. I did little things here and there like taking his plate when he was done eating or letting him win every time in our training sessions, but ultimately, I gave Raph his space. I thought he needed that more than anything else.  
"One of you guys should go talk to him," April said quietly.  
We all looked at her. Had she not seen what had happened?  
"I mean, obviously he's pretty beat up," she pointed out. "He needs you guys, he just won't admit it. My dad taught me that, in terms of psychology, this kind of behavior is usually a cry for help."  
"I don't wanna get hurt again," Mikey muttered. "Last time I tried to talk to him, Raph threw empty spray cans at me until I left his room."  
"Hah," Donnie laughed sarcastically. "I wish it was empty spray cans for me. I got a skateboard to the shell."  
They all paused and looked over at me, waiting to see what blunt object Raph had rejected me with.  
"Uh…" was all I could say.  
"Guess you're up, Leo," April said.  
"I'd rather let him just have his time and work it out," I defended. "I think this is something he needs to get past on his own."  
"Leo, Raph needs you right now," she pointed out. "I mean, aside from our similar taste in music, Raph and I don't have that much in common. Donnie and Mikey already tried. It's up to you dude."  
April was right; I hadn't done anything to try to help. I thought isolation was the best way to solve the problem, but I had really been ignoring it and hoping it would go away.  
Raph did need us. He did need me.  
"Anyways, I gotta get going," April said.  
"What?!" Donnie exclaimed, but instantly calmed himself down. "Uh…why…?"  
_Nice save there, Donnie…  
_"I have to do some packing, my aunt and I are going out of town in a few days to see some family," she answered. "It's only a two day trip, but I haven't even opened my suitcase yet."  
I had to give April credit; at first, she seemed nervous when Donnie had outbursts like that. She knew he liked her, and it made her a bit awkward in the beginning. But she'd adapted well to it, and she never let Donnie know that she knew.  
"I'll bring you home," Donnie said, walking towards the Shellraiser.  
April hugged Mikey and I goodbye.  
"Go talk to Raph," she told me again before she left.  
I sighed, not really sure what to expect from the conversation I would have with him. I didn't even know where to start.  
_Hey, Raph, you've been moping a lot lately and I know you're still upset about Spike but it's time to move on.  
_Yeah, I could see that going well…  
When they both left, Mikey and I were standing there in silence, both of us waiting for the other to do something. Realization that I had to act first hit me. I was the leader, the leader goes first.  
God did I hate being the leader some times…  
"You finish up the tree, Mikey," I said, bending down to pick up all of April's newly untangled lights and handing them to him.  
He instantly perked up and nodded, returning to his work.  
I looked at Raph's closed door for a few seconds before I actually walked to it. The guilt of not trying to help Raph was starting to hit me.  
How horrible was I? No wonder Raph complained about me to Spike…  
I knocked quite timidly, though I knew it wasn't going to mean anything. When I received no response, I opened the door slowly and stuck my head in.  
All the lights were off and Raph was lying on his bed looking up at the ceiling. I noticed Spike's mini bed was still on top of Raph's nightstand next to him.  
"I told you guys to leave me alone," he sighed, aggravated.  
I didn't stop. I entered his room and closed the door behind me.  
He looked up to me glaring, but looked confused when he saw it was me.  
"What do you want, Fearless?" he didn't let my surprise visit deter him from his bad mood.  
I _hated_ that nickname, but I kept my reactions even. I didn't want to make the situation any worse.  
"Just to talk," I told him, kneeling on the floor in the center of his room and facing him.  
"Hah," he laughed bitterly. "Yeah, okay, Leo. Whatever."  
"I can't talk to you?" I challenged.  
"No, you probably can't."  
I wasn't even in a full minute and I was already failing miserably. But failure was something I never accepted plainly.  
"Why can't I?" I demanded.  
I tried really hard not to let my frustration get the better of me, but some of it leaked into my voice.  
"You know what?" he asked, sitting up to face me. "You're right, you _can_ talk to me. And that's the problem."  
"What do you—"  
"All of you _can_ talk to me," he started raising his voice. "You can go on and on and on. But that's all any of you ever do.  
"In your heads, 'talking to me' means telling me how you feel. All of you always tell me everything I should do, but do you ever ask about how I feel? No, none of you do, because you're all busy talking all the time. You don't _let me_ talk. You don't _listen_ to me.  
"And that's why it hurts so badly, Leo, because I know that's the real reason why you're in here. I lost the one person who did listen. Don't you dare tell me he was just a pet, because he wasn't. He was more than that. He would do what none of you ever did.  
"It's to a point where I don't even want to try to talk to you guys, because even if I did, it wouldn't help. You can run out of this room and tell Donnie and Mikey everything that I just told you, and it wouldn't matter. You'd only listen to me from this point on because I yelled at you.  
"So get out of my room, Leo. I have no fucking desire to be _talked at_ by any of you right now."  
I was speechless and frozen sitting there in the middle of his room. I was angry and appalled, but not at him. I was mad at myself because I realized his words were true.  
Especially for me: I always told Raph what to do. Even in situations I knew I was right, I still never gave him the chance to speak.  
I awkwardly stood up and walked to the door or his bedroom. I gripped the doorknob and stopped half way turning to face him.  
"Why haven't you ever told me that before?" I asked lowly.  
"That's the thing, Leo," he said, turning to lay on his side so that his back was to me. "I have told you that before."  
His words hit me hard, and I stepped out of his room quickly.  
Once I closed the door, I tried to think back to the last time Raph could have told me that.  
It was that day…the day Spike got mutated… When Mikey and I were playing our game tournament.  
I was playing my round when he told me that…  
"_Try seeing my side for once!_"  
He did ask me to hear him out. I was too focused on my game…  
_And the worst older brother in the world goes to…Leonardo Hamato…_  
I slowly made my way into the living room, noticing that Mikey wasn't in there. My eyes spotted presents as they had begun to pile up in groups under the tree.  
Each year we organized our presents by giver. My presents to my family stayed in a pile, Donnie's stayed in his, and etc.  
I looked over my gifts, trying to cheer myself up. I had gotten some pretty good things that year. Thanks to April's help, I had gotten Donnie a new set of tools for his lab, a cookbook with over 750 different ways to make pizzas for Mikey, a new teapot set for Sensei. I had even gotten April a Tanto blade, incase she ever needed it…and to build up her little arsenal of ninja weapons. She was way too excited to get her Tessen and never wanted anything else. Every good ninja was trained on multiple weapons, and it seemed like April needed to start off slow. I needed to get her something else.  
I looked over my gifts with sad pride. But that was when I realized, I only had four out of the five that I needed.  
I remembered Raph's present was the last thing I had to get, and I hadn't gotten it yet…mainly because I didn't know what to get him. I hadn't been able to ask him what he wanted that year, because he'd spent the weeks leading up to _**Christmas**_ moping.  
With all his words playing in the back of my mind, I knew I had to go above and beyond to get him something really special. Not that an object could make up for all the times I'd let him down, but because I wanted him to know I was going to try to starting from there.  
But what could I get him? What was something that could partially take some of the pain away?  
I spent the next day and a half trying to figure it out.  
I investigated into Donnie and Mikey's gifts for him. Mikey had gotten him a new set of the _Modern Ninja_ magazines he'd ruined a few weeks prior, and plastic cover cases for them so that they wouldn't get damaged again. Donnie made him some kind of scale for his punching bag, so he could know exactly how hard and fast he hit it.  
How was I supposed to compete with those? Or get him something more meaningful?  
It was now _**Christmas**_ Eve and I still had nothing to give.  
I thought about getting him a new pet turtle, but I realized it was probably too soon for that, and that it probably wouldn't help. Losing Spike was one thing, but trying to replace him was a whole different thing. A mistake I wasn't going to make.  
But at that point, making a mistake probably would have been better than having nothing…  
The sun had just set and I was going out for one last run, just to see if I could get anything.  
My brothers were all siting in the living room doing different things.  
"Leo, where are you going?" Mikey asked me as I was exiting the lair.  
Raph looked up at me. We hadn't spoken in two days.  
"Just for a quick run," I told him keeping my eyes off of Raph.  
"Leo, it's 13 degrees outside," Donnie warned. "You really shouldn't go out. I think the city can handle us skipping one night of patrolling. And it's _**Christmas**_, take the night off."  
"I won't be long," I told them. "And I have my T-phone if you guys need me."  
I didn't want to tell them the real reason I was going out. Not having a gift for Raph on _**Christmas**_ Eve was pretty pathetic.  
The moment I hit the surface, I started shivering. It might have been 13 degrees, but it felt like -20. To a cold-blooded reptile, I guess that's how it would be…  
I needed to go fast not only because I was on limited time, but because I was going to get sick if I didn't.  
The only problem was…I had no ideas to go on.  
I didn't really know what to do, so I called April. We didn't have the closest relationship, but I knew I could go to her for advice that my brothers couldn't give me.  
"Hello?" she answered.  
"Hey, April," I replied.  
"Leo? To what do I owe the honor?"  
"Can I come over…?" I asked her, trying not to sound too pathetic.  
I was running out in the cold with no ideas on what to get for Raph.  
"Umm, yeah, I guess," she said like she wasn't really paying attention. "Try to hurry, though. I'm leaving in a few minutes."  
"I don't really have to come over," I told her, not wanting to mess up anything she was doing. "It's okay."  
"No, no! I definitely wanna see you so I can give you guys your presents. I just finished wrapping them, and I've got about an hour before I go so come on over!"  
"Alright," I smiled. "Thanks."  
So now I at least had somewhere to start. I made my way over to her apartment, running as fast as I could so I would stay warm. The warm never really came, but I felt like if I stayed still for too long, I'd end up frozen.  
Thankfully, it didn't take me long to get to April's house, because it started snowing when I was halfway there.  
I tapped on the glass of her window. She opened it quickly and let me in to her room. Aside from _Space Heroes_, the greatest thing ever created was a heater…  
"Hey," I chattered through my teeth.  
"Geeze, Leo, you're freezing," April remarked as she hugged me but let me go instantly.  
"Well, ya know, when you're cold blooded, it happens," I sighed.  
"So how did your talk with Raph go?" She asked, turning back to her suitcase.  
"It…uh, didn't go well," I said sitting on her bed.  
"Oh, wow," April remarked. "He must really be upset."  
"Yeah, he is," I bit my tongue back.  
I didn't know whether or not I should have told her what he said to me, about us never listening to him. I still hadn't told Donnie and Mikey because he was right. Had I told them, they would have only listened from guilt. He deserved more than that.  
"Did he say anything to you?" she asked.  
The conversation we'd had was replaying in my head. Two days had passed, but I still remembered it word for word.  
"Just that he didn't want to talk about anything," I said quietly, not wanting to be specific.  
"I hate when people are sad at _**Christmas**_ time," April sighed. "You know I met the sweetest little girl today who was totally unexcited about _**Christmas**_? Like, she was only four or five, and all kids that age should be excited about this time of year."  
"What happened?" I asked her, fully intending to be a better listener not just for Raph, but also for everyone.  
I start handing her the folded clothes from her bed to help her pack while she spoke.  
"My school does this whole 'Project _**Christmas**_' thing every year," she said. "We open the school and allow a lot of the kids from the kindergarten and daycare centers to come. They have sign ups in the office and we can all volunteer to go into school on December 24th for a few hours to run some craft stuff. You know, like a big _**Christmas**_ themed field trip. It's fun, my dad and I used to volunteer together every year…"  
She paused, and I gave her a second. I put my hand on her shoulder and told her that if she needed to cry she could. She just shook her head.  
"This year, I got paired up with this little girl," she continued her story. "Cutest little thing, and she was so sweet. She just turned five, and she loved me right away. But what was weird was that she said she didn't have any friends anymore.  
"I asked her what she meant by 'anymore,' and she said everybody started making fun of her when she told them about her new imaginary friend… When I asked her what her friend's name was, and she said she didn't wanna tell me because she was scared that I would laugh at her too. And she hadn't seen her friend since he left the first night she met him."  
"Man, that's horrible…" I commented.  
I really did feel bad for the little girl, whoever she was. I mentally and unintentionally connected her to Raph. How it felt being unaccepted by people you were surrounded with…  
I felt terrible again. I really did.  
But that's why I was there. I was just waiting for a moment to get off topic so I could ask April what she thought a good present for Raph would be.  
"The saddest thing, though, was when she got to see the guy who dresses like Santa," she said trying to zip her suitcase. "When she sat on his lap and he asked her what she wanted to _**Christmas**_, she said she wanted her 'friend to come back'. I don't think she thought he was imaginary."  
Poor kid. I thought being a teenager was hard, but growing up with no friends…and when your imaginary friends don't want to play with you…Ouch.  
"I took a picture with her on my T-phone," April said grabbing it from her nightstand.  
She sat next to me going through apps on her phone trying to find the pictures. I wasn't really watching her. I was looking all over her room, trying to form some kind of a gift idea.  
Finding inspiration for a gift idea for your hot-tempered and slightly depressed brother in a teenage girl's bedroom isn't exactly the easiest thing, though.  
I was getting nowhere, and it was getting late on _**Christmas**_ Eve. How in the world was I supposed to tell Raph I didn't have a present for him, especially after a fight and two days of no communication afterwards?  
"Here it is," April said, shoving the phone in my face.  
My eyes refocused to the little glowing screen in front of me.  
I stiffened. My head didn't want to believe what I was seeing.  
My heart sank as I realized I knew exactly who this little girl was.  
I used one hand to wipe my eyes, and looked again. The picture was the same.  
This girl was the one who had the mutagen canister and forced me to have a tea party with her in order to get it back…

_***_  
"_Are there other talking turtles like you?_" _She had asked me curiously_.  
"_Nope, just me! Mr. Imaginary Turtle!_" _I had told her_.  
_Raph and Spike crashed through the ceiling, and were out of the room just as quickly as they'd gotten in there.  
Instinctually I looked directly at the little girl making sure she wasn't hit by anything. She watched Raph and the giant mutated monster turtle struggle with huge sparkling eyes. I couldn't tell if she was afraid or amused. I'd never really interacted with children before, so I didn't know how to read this little girl.  
Raph didn't stay in the room for very long. He and the other turtle were gone within seconds.  
Once I realized she was okay, my leadership instincts and my need to protect my brothers overtook me. I grabbed the mutagen canister to ensure that I completed my mission and jumped out the gaping hole in her room.  
"Next time I'll bring the tea!" I falsely promised her.  
"Bye Mr. Turtle!" she shouted.  
I quickly looked back to see her smiling. She was happy…?  
How was it that this little girl wasn't afraid of me, or what she had just seen?  
My head turned back around as I heard Slash roar loudly, and saw him going after Raph again.  
The girl became out of sight, out of mind.  
And I never even asked her for her name._

I felt sick looking at the picture. I could practically feel all the blood drain out of my face and a shiver went up my spine. It wasn't due to the cold.  
This sweet little girl knew I existed, and she was being made fun of because she tried to tell her friends about me. I thought, when it was all happening, that if she ever talked about me, no one was going to take it seriously. Or that she would have forgotten about it.  
I guess leaving a giant, gaping hole in her roof and ceiling was kind of a huge reminder.  
The back of my head was wondering how she could have possibly explained that to her dad…  
But more to the point, she was miserable because of me. I had popped into her life and made a huge mess. And she was only five years old…  
So that was two lives I ruined. I was on a roll. I wondered who's was next.  
"Uh, Leo," April said waving her hand in my face. "You kinda look like you're gonna pass out…are you okay?"  
I couldn't force myself to speak. I was too lost in my own dismay.  
Before April could say anything else, a small knock sounded on her door. Both of us looked to the door of her bedroom, stunned.  
"April, honey, you ready to go?" a female voice asked.  
I assumed it was her aunt.  
I didn't waste any time. I grabbed her suitcase, shot up and dove for the window, throwing myself onto the fire escape before April even turned back around.  
"Uh, yeah!" she exclaimed. "I just, uh, need another minute!"  
"Alright, I'll be in the car downstairs sweetie."  
I heard footsteps marching away from the door, but I didn't reenter the room. April had to leave and that was that.  
She turned back around to face me, but seeing that I had moved outside, she walked over to the window. She spotted her suitcase in my hand.  
"I'll bring this downstairs for you," I told her. "It's pretty heavy for a two day trip."  
"Thanks," she smiled, hugged me from inside the window. "Keep trying to talk to Raph. If anyone can get through to him, it's you Leo."  
"Yeah, uh huh," I said lamely.  
I was totally distracted by my thoughts. Half of my head was on Raph, the other half on Sophia.  
"Before I forget, those over there," she pointed to a pile of presents in the corner of the room. "They're for you guys. You can take them back home with you."  
"I think I'm gonna stay out for a little while longer…" I replied. "I need to clear my head a little bit."  
She looked down at the thermometer on her windowsill.  
"Try not to stay out too long, Leo," She warned. "It's already freezing and it's supposed to get colder. But I'm gonna leave this window unlocked, so whenever you can, come back and pick them up."  
The cold was the last thing on my mind. Every thought in my brain was overshadowed by guilt.  
"Okay," I gave her a forced smile. "Come see us when you get back so we can give you yours."  
She nodded, and closed the window.  
I leapt down the fire escape and placed her suitcase on the stairs leading up to her front door. I then hid in the alley to make sure she picked it up when she got outside.  
Once both her and her aunt were in the car, I watched them drive off and climbed back up to the rooftops once they were out of my line of sight.  
I checked my T-phone for the time. It was only 9:52.  
I still would have time to try to find Raph a present…but I had something else to do as well.  
I kept my mind shut off as best as I could as I crossed the city. I tried not to think of what a horrible brother, and a horrible person I had been.  
Donnie had once said some things are just beyond our control. I both believed and agreed with him. And maybe it wasn't my fault that the little girl, _Sophia_ had talked about me to her friends and that ruined her friendships… Maybe I wasn't in control of this situation, and didn't have to justify it.  
But then again, had I been better, the mutagen wouldn't have ever fallen into her possession and I wouldn't have had to expose myself. If I had been able to grab it with my grappling hook before she'd walked through the door. Or maybe if I'd just refused to play the game with her, taken the canister and jumped out the window before her dad could have heard her scream. Or maybe if I'd actually had pinkies…  
My mind was overrun with thousands of ways I could have prevented the situation. I was totally at fault for this, this was completely in my control.  
Some leader…some person I was.  
No, I wasn't fully human. I was only half human. And I liked to think that even though I wasn't fully human, I was still an infinite number of times better than the Shredder or any other human I had ever fought.  
But that wasn't an excuse to behave the way I had been. I had pushed Raph to the side, and I had forced my existence into the life of a child who was suffering because of that.  
I was horrible. I was no better than the Shredder, hurting people I cared about and anyone else who I came into contact with.  
I deserved to feel like this, and it wasn't right for me to believe anything else.  
I couldn't imagine the pain I had caused both Raph and this little girl. All I knew was that I had to make it right.  
Slow lightly fell from the sky as I jumped from rooftop to rooftop. I had assumed that running was going to keep me warm but it didn't help much. Still, I had too much raging in my head to pay the temperature too much attention.  
Too much raging in my head to really pay attention to anything.  
I hadn't even realized I had already crossed half of the city and made it to my destination.  
Sophia's apartment was across the street from the roof I was standing on. I could see bricks of a brighter red now filling where the giant hole Raph and Spike had created was.  
_Well, at least they got that fixed_…  
I tacked "destruction of property" onto my rapidly growing list of reasons why I was terrible.  
I took a couple steps back and sprang forward, launching myself towards the rooftop. I cleared the gap easily and was relieve to again see that repairs had been made. So again, it took some of the sting out of being the world's worst person.  
I silently descended the fire escape and looked through the window…and felt immensely creepy doing so.  
But I wasn't there to be creepy. I was there to apologize and that's all.  
The pale pink wallpaper was now covered with little pieces of paper. I squinted my eyes to see they were drawings. All of them different, and a lot of them had a giant green blob with a blue line in the middle.  
I assumed that was me…_awkward_.  
My eyes scanned the dimly lit room for Sophia, but I didn't see her. Maybe they weren't home. That was bad because I knew myself well enough to know that my conscience was going to relentlessly bother me until I saw this child again and apologized to her.  
So I resolved to wait out on the fire escape until I knew she was home.  
…And I had to convince myself that wasn't weird at all.  
It didn't really work, though. It was a matter of conscience over creepiness.  
My conscience won.  
A little bit of snow had begun to pile on me as I shivered waiting on that fire escape. I was that desperate to make myself a better person.  
Thankfully, it took no more than five minutes for her to enter her room. I bounced up and peaked through the window when I heard her door creak open.  
And my stealth instincts took over as I realized she wasn't alone. A man, the man I recognized as her father, was following right behind her.  
I kept myself hidden under the windowsill, watching as the father tried to put her in bed.  
And I noticed her eyes were puffy and red…  
She had been crying?  
"Sohpia," her father pleaded, though he also sounded annoyed. "Please just let it go. Santa doesn't bring presents to liars, you know, and he's supposed to come tonight…"  
"Why can't any of you guys just believe me?" she cried, rubbing her eyes.  
"Because whatever you think happened isn't possible!" He father exploded.  
I jumped back a little bit. His outburst had startled me.  
It wasn't my place to see what was happening in these people's personal lives…but I listened anyway.  
"And until you tell me the truth about what happened to your room, you will be punished," he continued to yell. "I did not have the money to fix these walls, Sophia. You wouldn't understand, but the people at daddy's insurance company couldn't help me pay for it because I didn't know what to tell them."  
"Tell them what I told you!" she pleaded, scared.  
"SOPHIA, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GIANT TALKING TURTLES!" he screamed.  
Two things happened in that moment. One, my heart sank as I realized it was my place to listen to this conversation. Two, this innocent little girl shrank back into a fetal position on her bed and cried.  
I really had ruined her life.  
"If you want to continue to lie to me, than you go right the fuck ahead!" her father didn't let up despite her obvious fear.  
I was terrified I was going to have to jump in and intervene. Did I want to expose myself again? No. The only reason I was there was because Sophia already knew I was real. But if I had to stop her father from doing anything rash, I was going to.  
This little girl wasn't lying, and if it came down to a wire, I'd let this man know that.  
"You better tell me the truth soon, Sophia," her father whispered as coldly as the snow falling on me.  
It sounded like a threat. I braced myself to jump through the window…  
With that, the man left the room and slammed the door. I was so grateful I didn't have to attack him. I was seriously convinced he was going to do something…  
I relaxed from my defensive crouch and looked back to the sobbing little girl. She was absolutely miserable.  
Look at what I had done…  
I was there to make the guilt go away. Seeing the actual damage I had caused first hand was like feeding gasoline to an open flame. My entire body was consumed by burning guilt.  
And my heart was broken for this child who I had unintentionally destroyed.  
There wasn't any thought anymore. I lightly tapped on the glass of her window.  
Her glazed eyes shot up and instantly met mine. And her mouth fell open in shock.  
She moved very slowly, coming towards me and opening the window as high as she could for me…but she was short so I had to open it all the way.  
The heat that ventilated out of the room was so welcoming, and I jumped in before she even invited me. I slammed the window shut before anymore cold could get in.  
Warm air met my freezing skin and I shivered, trying to adapt to the drastic temperature difference between this room and outside.  
I mentally thanked the universe for fixing this girl's wall and ceiling. She would have frozen to death for sure…  
"M—Mm—Mr.—" she struggled to speak through her tears and surprised state. "Mr. turtle?"  
I looked down at her eyes. This little girl, barely five years old, already understood pain and rejection better than people over twice my age. And it was my fault…  
Her eyes glistened with more tears and more hurt than I could comprehend.  
There were countless ways to apologize spinning around in my head, and I felt like saying all of them still wouldn't have been enough to express the regret I felt to her.  
"I forgot to bring the tea…" was all I could say, remembering my promise.  
She didn't speak. A new wave of tears spilled from her eyes as she reached her tiny hand out to me. I knelt before her, already knowing what she wanted.  
She wanted to know I was real.  
Sophia placed her small hand on my plastron near my heart. I watched as her eyes widened, and some faint amount of pain disappeared from them. Not a lot but enough to notice.  
I smiled sadly at her, nodding.  
She quickly threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I was slightly taken aback by her strength; she had a serious grip for a five year old…  
"I knew you were real, I knew you were real!" she chanted.  
"Yeah, I am," I hushed her, trying to calm her down.  
Her squealing was getting louder and louder, and I knew I had to calm her down. I couldn't let her dad know I existed if I didn't have a need to.  
A child knowing is one thing. They'll more than likely forget as their age increased and they learned to like new things rather than imaginary friends. Adults, though…well, I wasn't in the mood to be dissected in a government lab.  
"Oh gosh, Mr. Turtle!" she didn't quiet down. "I can't believe you came back! My daddy said you weren't real, but I knew you were!"  
She finally released me and took two steps back. She kept getting more excited, which meant more voice volume. If I couldn't calm her down, it wouldn't be good…  
Sophia was practically bouncing up and down with happiness, which was good. It eased my conscience a lot to see how happy I was making her. It was bad because I would have to leave if she attracted any attention to the room. And I definitely didn't want to leave without an apology…  
"I told all of my _friends_ about you, but they—" she stopped herself.  
Her face completely fell when she mentioned her friends.  
"All of my _old_ friends didn't believe in you…" she said sadly.  
She looked back up to me with hopeful, tear-filled eyes.  
"But now everyone else can see that you're real," she said. "And then they'll want to be friends with me again! And then my daddy won't be mad anymore, and we can—"  
"Sophia," I cut her off.  
She instantly silenced herself. I think she was shocked that I knew her name.  
As much as I wanted to help her with her friends and her father, I couldn't jeopardize my family's safety like that. What would happen if everyone she told found out there really was a giant talking turtle in the city? They'd be after me. On top of that, I didn't doubt she also spoke about Raph and Spike. There was clearly more than just me, and who knew what lengths people would go to find my family if they ever did come after me.  
Over all the guilt I felt, all the pain I caused this little girl…my family came first. They always would, and I could never feel bad about wanting to protect my family.  
"Only you can know about me," I told her.  
She didn't respond. She just looked up at me.  
And though she wasn't speaking, her eyes asked a million questions.  
"If other people knew I was real, I wouldn't ever be able to come back again," I told her honestly. "It's for my safety."  
I prayed that this five-year-old child could understand that. From what I could tell, children had a way of ignoring logic and doing what they wanted.  
If Sophia chose to ignore me, I could have left that room and never felt bad about it again, because I gave it my best effort and I had a duty to keep my family safe over everything else.  
She was quiet for a few moments just looking at me. I could tell she was weighing the choice in her head, and I honestly expected her to yell for her father.  
I mentally prepared myself to spring for the window.  
"Okay, Mr. Turtle," she finally said, surprising me.  
I let out a sigh of relief and smiled at her. She smiled right back, and I knew there was going to be an interrogation…  
"How did you know my name, Mr. Turtle?" she confirmed my thoughts, starting right away.  
"I, uh…" I tried to search for something believable.  
If April could know we existed, Sophia was going to want to be able to tell other people too…  
"Where are the other two turtles?" she continued without giving me actual answering time. "What's with the thing around your head and why is it blue? Are those real swords? Can I hold one? Where do you live? Do you have a family?"  
"That's a lot of questions!" I pointed out to her, trying to calm her down.  
She was getting way too excited again, but she stopped talking and waited for my answers.  
I gave her everything but her original question, thinking she would drop it.  
"One of those other turtles was my brother, and he's at our home. My father gave me this mask because it's what ninjas wear and blue is my favorite color. Yes, they're real and they're not swords. They're called _Katanas_. No, you can't hold one because they're sharp, heavy, and too dangerous. I live in a secret place that I can't tell you about. Yes, I have three brothers and a father."  
I sucked in a breath at the end of my final answer. I didn't realize I was talking so fast.  
Sophia didn't skip a beat.  
"What is a ninja? Was that fat blue turtle your brother too? What's your favorite food? Do you like to watch TV? Have you ever—"  
"I can't answer so many questions!" I cut her off, not wanting to delve into every personal aspect about myself.  
The fact that my presence alone was able to cheer her up so much was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I still owed her the apology, though.  
"Can I ask one more?" she begged.  
"Sure," I said.  
"What is your name?" she asked.  
"Leonardo," I told her.  
She raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips together.  
"Leo-nar-do?" she tried to pronounce my name, and failed.  
I smiled at the attempt; it was kind of adorable. And it reminded me of the first time Mikey tried to pronounce my name when we were about her age.  
_"Lemon-are-do?" he would say.  
"Jest call 'em Leo," Raph insisted._  
That was how my nickname came about…and Mikey still didn't get it right away.  
_"Weo!" he would say.  
_"My friends call me Leo," I told her, trying to make it easier for her.  
She seemed dissatisfied with my nickname.  
"You can call me Mr. Turtle if it makes you feel better," I said.  
I didn't really like the name '_Mr. Turtle,_' but she was little so I could put up with it for her sake.  
She smiled sweetly and nodded.  
"My friends didn't call me Sophia," she informed me. "They used to call me Sophie. You can call me that if you want to."  
I nodded, my stomach churning at the fact that she considered us friends. I wasn't opposed to the idea of being a friend to her…  
I just didn't deserve it, and I knew that.  
This little girl was unknowingly breaking my heart. She was kind and so innocent. When I had first met her, she annoyed me by forcing me to play teatime with her. But in all reality, that was nothing. All she did was waste a couple of minutes of my time.  
In the end, it was me who had hurt her. She didn't deserve to lose all of her friends and be constantly yelled at by her father because of me.  
"Alright, _Sophie,_" I said reluctantly.  
Using the name that was reserved for her friends…it stung a little.  
She surprised me by suddenly grabbing my hand and pulling me over to her wall to where all of her drawings were displayed.  
"I drew these for you," she proudly showed off her work.  
There were multiple drawings of what appeared to be a turtle all over the place. From outside the window, they weren't as clear. Close up, they were pretty detailed. She even got the pattern on my shell right…  
"Wow," I struggled for words. "These are awesome, thank you."  
My existence had consumed this child's life, and I was starting to regret having gone back. The longer I was there, the more I realized how much worse it was.  
"Why did you draw so many?" I asked curiously.  
"The doctor asked me to," she said, pulling one specific drawing down.  
Ice shot through every vein in my body. I was colder in that moment than I had been outside all night.  
There was only one type of doctor I knew she could have been talking about…  
"Here," she said, smiling and handing me the paper. "This one's my favorite. I was saving it to give you for _**Christmas**_."  
I took is and looked carefully at it. It was clearly her and I, with red Santa hats on, and a _**Christmas**_ tree.  
What amazed me was that she got so much detail about me correct, including the color of my skin…I was more of a leaf green compared to my brothers…  
I was undoubtedly going to get amazing presents tomorrow. Donnie was going to have invented me some _Space Heroes_ type gadget like he always did. Mikey was going to have made me some kind of crazy project, Raph was going to give me weapons, and Splinter would give me something traditional Japanese. But this drawing, it meant more than those.  
My family got my gifts because it was obligatory. Nothing required this girl to make me this.  
This drawing was pure, innocent just like this little girl was.  
I did _not _deserve this drawing.  
This simple piece of paper was worth ten of me, and then some.  
The longer I was there, the more I struggled to find an apology suitable for Sophie.  
And I suddenly wanted to leave, so badly, feeling inadequate and not needing to stay here and mess up her life anymore.  
"…Do you not like it?" she asked, misreading my silence.  
"No!" I snapped. "Thank you so much. I love it, "I really do."  
She perked up again at my words. It didn't take much to cheer her up.  
But in the back of my head, her drawing reminded me of two things: one, I still had nothing for Raph and two, I didn't have anything to give her.  
"I don't have anything for you," I told her sheepishly.  
She just shook her head.  
"It's okay! You came back to see me and that's all I need. Santa will bring me presents tonight."  
The second she said Santa, she squeaked and hopped up, running to a side door in grab something.  
I watched the door confused.  
She emerged from what I assumed was her closet wrapped up in a pink jacket, black earmuffs, and mismatched boots. It hit me that she wanted to go outside.  
"Let's go outside and look for Santa, Mr. Turtle!" she beamed with excitement.  
I definitely had not expected this sad attempt for an apology to turn into me staying here this long. And I could think of a couple of reasons why taking her out of her room would be the worst thing to do…  
"I really don't have the time…" I said quietly.  
_And I don't want you to freeze to death_…  
Her bottom lip stuck out in a pouty manner.  
"Just a few minutes, Mr. Turtle," she begged me. "For _**Christmas**_."  
I bit my lip, but rationalized in my head. I did owe her this, and sitting with her on the roof for a few minutes couldn't have been too bad. She was wrapped up enough to stay warm.  
"PLEASE…" she begged, kneeling at my feet.  
_Guilt is the most powerful driving force in the world…  
_"A few minutes only…" I told her, cracking.  
She wasted no time after my response. She jumped to her feet, grabbed my hand again started tugging me towards her door.  
"We can't go that way," I told her, pulling her back. "Remember, your dad can't see me."  
"Oh…how do we go outside then?"  
I took a deep breath, not believing what I was doing. Very slowly, I held out my arms.  
She smiled, grabbed a pink blanket off the top of her bed, and jumped in my arms. I spun her around so I was piggybacking her weight on my shell. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I gently carried her out the window and up the fire escape. When we made it to the roof, I let her down gently and looked up at the sky. It was completely overcast, and the snowfall had definitely increased.  
I sighed. What was I doing? Even if Santa was real, there was no way we could have ever seen him…but Sophie was excited and this was my repentance.  
I told myself that ten minutes would be more than enough. I would take her back inside, apologize, and be on my way.  
Sophie plopped down on a small pile of snow and looked over to me, inviting her to sit next to her. I took my place, absolutely freezing by the time I sat down Indian style next to her.  
She handed me the blanket she took off of her bed. I accepted it and quickly wrapped up in it.  
"Do you think we'll see Santa?" she asked, turning her attention to the sky.  
"I dunno, maybe," I told her, looking up as well.  
It became silent as we both watched the endless snowfall from the sky. Two minutes had passed and I noticed that she was shivering. She looked over to me.  
"Can I sit on your lap?" she asked.  
_…Too far, too weird.  
As if being out here with her wasn't weird enough already…_  
"Uh," I started to awkwardly protest.  
She wasn't going to take no for an answer, and she wasn't even going to give me the chance to say it.  
She forced her way onto my lap and leaned against my plastron, rewrapping the blanket around us both. She gradually stopped shaking as the seconds ticked by.  
I used my hands to balance myself. I was careful not to touch her…that would have been seriously too much for me to handle.  
I really wasn't being creepy or anything. She was a kid, and little kids always wanted attention like this.  
I would give her seven more minutes out here, and then I would leave.  
So I took the opportunity to say what I had to say.  
"Sorry about your wall," I told her softly, looking back up to the New York skyline. "And your friends, and your dad. I didn't really mean for any of that to happen."  
"It's okay, Mr. Turtle," she said, yawning.  
What? It was okay? All of those tears and all of that pain was okay? All of the friends she'd lost and the screaming she endured? The fact that she had to go to a _therapist_ because of me was okay?  
This little girl was crazy. I didn't know a single soul on earth who could have plainly accepted everything she had gone through and forgiven it so gracefully.  
"You came back," she pointed out. "That was really enough."  
"Why is that enough?" I asked her, not really sure what kind of answer she could have given me.  
"It shows that you were really sorry and that you really wanna make it better," she spoke with wisdom from beyond her years. "I don't know anybody that would have tried as hard as you did. When people leave, they don't always come back. My mommy still hasn't come back. My friends haven't come back. Everybody needs someone to love and accept them. You came back, you're my friend, and you accept me…that's all I wanted for _**Christmas**_. A friend."  
She snuggled further into me, and I looked down at her.  
This little five-year-old girl knew more about life and love more than people who were four times her age.  
I looked back up and let her words sink in. Despite how horrible I had felt over, I began to feel a sense of peace and understanding.  
And I knew exactly what I was going to get Raph for _**Christmas**_.  
Snow continued to fall as I slightly shivered, but the cold was the last thing on my mind. I sat there and let the feelings of comfort wash over me. I had felt completely awful for two days, and this wonderful little girl—my friend made me feel better. And I couldn't thank her enough for that.  
It didn't take long for me to realize that Sophie's breathing had become completely rhythmic. I looked down to see her sleeping peacefully. Very slowly, I cradled her in my arms and walked back down the fire escape.  
I tucked her into her bed.  
"Merry _**Christmas**_, Sophie," I whispered to her.  
I was careful to be silent as I exited her room. I didn't want to wake her up._  
_The cold air blasted me as I tightly closed the window behind me for the last time.  
My T-phone buzzed the second I got up to the roof. I pulled it up and checked it. It was weather alert? I didn't know Donnie had programmed the T-phones to do that, pretty sweet. I made a mental not to compliment him on that when I got home.  
According to my T-phone, it was now 4 degrees and a blizzard was coming. Thankfully, it was only 11:13 at night. I had only been out for three hours, though it felt more like seven with everything that had happened…  
Still, I knew I had to get home. I slid my T-phone back into its slot on my belt. And I jumped back to the building across the street.  
Snow was starting to come down harder, and the wind began picking up gradually. In my head I was mapping out the fastest route to take…  
"Would you look at how adorable that is," a voice startled me from behind.  
I spun around and drew my swords in one fluid motion. There was nothing, _no one_ behind me. Still, I stayed 100% alert just as Sensei had taught me to do. I felt uneasy at the disembodied voice.  
It was a voice that I knew. Dark and bitter, not exactly one I could name off the tip of my tongue. But it was familiar.  
I tightened my grip on the hilt of my swords…  
"The Fearless Leader likes to have play time with little girls," the voice came from behind me again.  
I wheeled around again to face nothing. The voice was so close to me when it spoke…how could there be nothing there.  
"How cute," the voice whispered to me.  
That time I couldn't turn around. Something grabbed me and effortlessly tossed me to the other side of the roof. I kept my arms extended and the blades of my swords away from me as I flew, careful not to get cut. I finally smashed into the wall around the ledge and came to a halt. While I wasn't in searing pain, I definitely didn't feel good.  
I hopped back on my feet, defensive. Whatever— whoever hit me had a lot of power.  
The rooftop was empty, and I was alone…  
No, something definitely hit me. Something hit me hard, and it apparently had the ability to turn invisible…  
Again, a blow to the back of my shell sent me flying. I crashed into a satellite dish, the metal cut into my arm and blood spilled out of it.  
"Ahh," I clenched my teeth, because that time it did hurt.  
I sat myself up right and gripped my arm, trying to stop the bleeding.  
"You think that hurts, yer in fer one hell of a night!" the voice laughed from before me.  
I shot up, determined not to miss my attacker this time.  
What I saw forced my jaw to drop.  
There before me stood Spike, grinning wickedly down at me.  
"Spike?" I stupidly asked aloud.  
"Heh, didn't ya get the memo, Lame-o-nardo?" Spike said, hoisting me up effortlessly bu my neck. "Name's Slash now."  
He threw me a third time and I slammed into a wall. The blow stunned me slightly as I fell onto the ground. I think I hit my head…  
Slash was way bigger and obviously way more powerful than me. I didn't stand a chance against him, and I needed my brothers. I started fumbling for my T-phone…  
But I looked up to see Slash watching me, not coming at me again.  
I instantly stopped myself. That was what he wanted.  
He was going to use me to lure out Raph, Donnie and Mikey.  
No way was I going to fall for that.  
I pushed myself up and stood before him on my slightly shaking legs, ignoring the pain in my arm and head. How I still managed to keep my swords through all of those attacks, I don't know, but I gripped them tightly and crouched down.  
I shook my head, relaying a silent message that he wasn't going to use me to hurt my family.  
His smirk fell and he glared at me, crouching to match my position.  
"You think yer strong 'nough to take me down?" he mocked. "Heh, ain't no way."  
I knew how to deal with this type of threat. Master Splinter had once taught us not to fight the armor, but to fight the man _inside_. It was a psychological matter. And I knew exactly how to get into Slash's head…  
I had to get into _Spike's_ head.  
I didn't give him the satisfaction of a response right away, and that clearly annoyed him. His eyes grew darker with anger, and he growled lowly at me.  
That was when I decided to speak.  
"So Raph's doing fine," I told him happily. "I know you guys kinda lost touch after he pushed you off a building…"  
"HE DIDN'T PUSH ME, HE TRIED TO GRAB ME!" Slash roared angrily.  
"We played a couple of video games," I continued, ignoring him. "Ate some pizza, it really didn't take much to get him over you, Spike.  
"But that's to be expected, right? You were just a pet, how could you ever mean more than family?"  
That did it, Slash snapped. He charged at me in a fit of rage.  
I was glad to know my plan worked, because that was exactly what I expected him to do. I was taken off by how much faster he actually was rather than how fast I anticipated him to be…  
I didn't have time to dodge like I thought I was going to be able to. He grabbed me by my left arm as I was jumping out of the way and swung me over his head, slamming me down onto the rooftop.  
I felt like I was paralyzed for a few seconds, unable to move looking up at him. I was dizzy and I couldn't feel anything.  
And then the pain hit me in a massive wave. It was like a surge of feeling came over my body.  
I shook my head, trying to stop the world from spinning.  
That time, I definitely hit my head.  
Slash lifted my limp body by my arm and held me in front of him. I could only stare at him while I tried to get my body to work again.  
"Haven't ya learned what kinda trouble that mouth a yers will get you into?" he spit in my face.  
He tossed me to the side and looked over at something in the distance.  
…Or something across the street.  
_No_.  
"Call yer brothers out here or I'm goin' for that little twerp over there," he threatened me.  
So even after I made things better for Sophie, she was still in trouble again because of me…like hell I was going to let Slash actually touch her, though.  
But I didn't want him to touch my brothers, either.  
I had to keep this about me and him. I had to ignore how badly I knew he was going to hurt me, how long he was going to take to kill me. One life in exchange for my brothers and Sophie's safety was well worth it.  
I was finally able to push myself up again.  
"Why waste your time on three at once?" I asked him.  
"Ya mean four?" Slash shot back.  
"No, Spike, we both know you don't want to hurt Raph," I told him. "You can pretend to hate him all you want but we all know you still want him on your side."  
"…I told ya it's Slash now," he didn't deny my words.  
And that was all I needed for my plan.  
"So why only go for three at the same time?" I asked him, trying to make my voice persuasive. "Let's be honest here, you want my other brothers and I. And you want me more than both Donnie and Mikey_combined_. You were robbed of that chance a few weeks ago. Here it is now, just you and me."  
He looked over me, lips pursed. I could tell he was strongly considering my words, because he knew I was right. But he was still hesitant, and I had to get rid of that.  
"I _won't_ defend," I told him honestly.  
I threw my swords down and stood out in plain sight for him to see. I discarded my tanto blade that was hidden in my wrist wrap, and did a 360 spin for him to see I had nothing to hide.  
"You can do whatever you want to me right now," I said, inching towards him. "You can hurt me however badly you want, you can kill me. This is what you want, and you know that."  
He slightly smiled at my mention of the word _kill_, and he nodded.  
25% of me was relieved that he took my offer. 25% of me knew I was about to be tortured to death.  
The rest of me was relieved knowing that my brothers and Sophie wouldn't have to go through this.  
I stood there, watching him and waiting for the pain. I was debating on wither or not to close my eyes, but I resolved to keep them open. I wanted to know when it was coming.  
"Not here," he announced to me.  
He pointed to the east. From what I could see through the snow storm, the harbor was only a few blocks away.  
"After you," he chimed.  
He knew if I walked behind him, I would have tried to run. Maybe I could still outrun him in the front…  
No, I knew I couldn't even attempt, because he would go after Sophie if I did.  
I couldn't let that happen.  
I trudged forward in front of him, not excited for what was going to happen the second we got to the harbor. But I did my job; I protected the people I loved.  
And if I had to die like this, maybe I wasn't such a bad person after all.  
Maybe I was the good person Sophie believed I was.  
I hopped down off of the roof and landed at the edge of the water. The water was like black glass as snowflakes fell into it.  
I could see my sad, fearful expression.  
Slash didn't give me much time to think about it. He grabbed my from behind and threw me into some crates nearby. I smashed into the wooden boxes, and my shell broken them apart. It hurt, but not a lot.  
I tried to lie to myself and say that Slash would work quickly due to his eagerness, but I knew he had every intention of taking his time.  
He hoisted me up by my arm like he had before and punched me straight in my plastron. It knocked the wind out of me, and I struggled to catch my breath as he kept assaulting me with punches.  
When he was through with that, he tossed me to the left, and kicked me around as soon as I stopped rolling.  
I was a toy to him, every hit was getting harder and harder.  
And every hit was getting more and more painful.  
My body ached as he tossed me around effortlessly. I had to fight against all my instincts not to defend against any of the blows. If I made one false move, I knew he'd go after Sophie or my brothers…  
In the middle of his game of soccer with me, I could feel my T-phone vibrating nonstop. Someone was calling me.  
I was afraid Slash would hear it, so I threw the phone off to the side when he wasn't looking. It slid and crashed into a wall of cargo boxes, and kept vibrating.  
My attention was drawn back as Slash's foot stomped hard on my plastron, and I heard some kind of sick crunching sound.  
I gasped, and that was when the pain hit.  
Something was broken, a rib maybe…but God did it hurt.  
I screamed out as pain radiated throughout my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself and shook trying to block the pain that I felt, but it stung so badly.  
_Shit, shit, shit_…  
I was trying to retain my reaction as much as I could, I couldn't go back on my deal of not defending myself.  
But the pain was horrible.  
Slash didn't react other than laughing. Well thank God one of us found this hilarious, because it fucking hurt.  
"Givin' up, Lame-o-nardo?" he taunted me with the stupid nickname Raph had given me. "We're just getting' started. How many ribs are in a body? Twelve?"  
He stomped down on me again and I heard the sick snapping noise again.  
And again, more pain than I thought was possible spread throughout my chest.  
I couldn't describe it if I tried. It was like fire burning me, and ice freezing me all at the same time. It stung so badly.  
"Two down, ten to go, right?"  
I couldn't speak; I couldn't take away the right to his vendetta. Not without putting my family and my friend at risk.  
But I couldn't hold back the screaming as he slammed down on me again.  
I didn't want to scream and let him know how bad it hurt. I didn't want to give him that pleasure, but I couldn't stop it. It was the closest thing to relief I could feel.  
I think Slash got bored with the whole rib-breaking thing, because seconds ticked by and I felt no more stomping. I lied there and choked on coughs and tears and pain.  
God, so much pain…  
I stayed as still as I possibly could, trying to lessen the hurt.  
Slowly, because he obviously knew movement was the worst, Slash used his foot to flip me over. The slower he moved me, the more it hurt.  
I was laying on my plastron, the weight of my shell pressing down on my broken ribs.  
Slash kept rolling me over, putting the pressure on and taking it off constantly.  
It was getting harder and harder to breathe.  
And the rolling stopped.  
I was practically hyperventilating by the time I landed on my back again, and so thankful for a second of stillness.  
One second was all I got though.  
Slash's fingernails dug into my skin, drawing blood as he lifted me up to look at me.  
I glared back at him with tears in my eyes. I wasn't crying, no. But my eyes were definitely burning with tears of pain.  
"How are you better than him?" he questioned me. "Raph is stronger than you, look how weak you are. What about you is so much better?"  
I couldn't give him an answer, for a few reasons.  
One, anything I said could have set him off and two, I never really knew the answer myself. Sensei still hadn't ever told me the reason he made me the leader…  
I was punished for my silence by being dropped to the ground.  
I hit the ground hard and in an uncomfortable position.  
At that point, it became all about breathing. I could fight against the pain all I wanted, but breathing was the real challenge now.  
Slash circled around me and assessed my condition.  
"Yer pathetic, Leo," he spit down at me, using my name for the first time all night.  
His foot slammed into my face and I felt my head slam back into something behind me.  
I blinked multiple times; black spots were slowly popping up in my vision. I knew exactly what that meant: a concussion.  
"Someone as pathetic as you deserves to die a pathetic death."  
_Stay awake, stay awake, stay awake…_  
I felt pressure on my left arm. I looked over to see Slash using my wrist wrap to tie something to me…an anchor I think. Well, we were at a shipyard. That made sense.  
Everything had to keep making sense, because everything was getting fuzzy and dark.  
Then my right arm was moving, but nothing was being tied to it. It was just stretched out.  
I tried to see what he was doing to me when I heard that noise again.  
_The sound of something snapping._  
And my eyes were forced wide open as I realized he'd shattered my right arm bone.  
I screamed louder than before. I literally screamed louder than I ever had in my life.  
The pain in my chest was nothing compared to this. I realized that my ribs were merely broken. My right arm was completely shattered, fragmented.  
I screamed out words I swore I'd never use in front of another person.  
But I felt justified because this was not a person.  
This was a monster.  
The tears I'd been fighting finally spilled out.


	2. Chapter 1 Continued

Author's note: Heyyyyyy to all of you following this story! I think this chapter was way too long, and Fanfiction couldn't post it all on one page...weird! Anyway, this is the end to chapter one where the first post cut off. Chapter Two is coming soon!

* * *

I cried as I couldn't move either of my arms, one hold down and one destroyed.  
All of me hurt.  
I was so tired from the concussion, and was ready to pass out. But the pain I felt all over was keeping me awake.  
Nothing was done to my legs, but I felt the pain everywhere.  
God, I wanted to die now. I wanted this to end.  
I was suffering so much, for a good cause…but not even knowing that helped me anymore.  
_Just kill me, just kill me, just kill me_…  
It was like he heard my thoughts, because he picked me up by my arm with the anchor tied to it and walked me over to the water.  
So that was the plan…drown me. Break one arm and dead weight one down so I couldn't possibly escape.  
I had to give Slash credit; he was pretty twisted.  
I waited for it. Just a few more moments of this and I'd be free. Free of the pain, free of all the burdens I carried, free of everything.  
"SLASH!" a voice boomed out from behind us.  
_No…  
_I knew it was Raph's voice. I knew it was. I'd never been more certain of anything in my life.  
But I still tried with every ounce of strength I had left to deny it.  
My head rolled over to spot Raph starring straight at me in horror.  
_'Get away, Raph_…' I tried to warn him with my thoughts.  
I don't know what part of my deal with Slash was still intact now that one of my brothers was there, but I was still afraid of breaking it with any resistance. Including my voice.  
And deep down I knew Slash didn't want to do anything to really hurt Raph.  
I was the target. I just prayed Raph could understand that and get away.  
"Raphael!" Slash took Raph's bait, turning us both to face him. "It's been a while buddy! How ya doin'?"  
Raph had his sais drawn and he was already in a defensive stance. He was looking directly at me, though.  
His eyes were all over me, inspecting every bruise and cut I'd gained. If by some miracle I survived this, I questioned if I should ever tell Raph I willingly took it all for him…  
"Put Leo down, Slash," Raph's voice was low and dark.  
"I was about to before you interrupted me," Slash informed him, gesturing his head back to the water behind us.  
Raph's eyes darted to the water, than back to me.  
"Don't you fucking dare," he barked.  
"Sorry Raph," he said in a sarcastic tone. "I told ya last time, there's no turning back now."  
Before Raph could move, Slash spun around and threw me into the water.  
"LEO!" I heard Raph scream in terror as I was flying through the air.  
I sucked in a deep breath of air before I hit the water.  
I lost the air as soon as I was submerged.  
If I thought I was cold before…well, I'd never known what cold was in my life until that moment I broke the surface of the water. I could have dove head first into a pile of snow and been warm compared to this.  
Cold was an understatement.  
I felt like I was literally incased in ice.  
I watched as my air bubbles rushed up towards the surface, and I had no more air in my body. I tried to swim up to the top, but any movement was painful. My right arm was literally useless. My left arm was what was pulling my down. Using my legs only caused my chest pain, and they couldn't do much anyway.  
The bottom wasn't very far down from the surface. Enough to keep me underwater by a few feet for sure, but it wasn't very deep.  
The depth of the water was the last thing I thought of before I blacked out.


	3. Chapter 2

I realized it was all a mistake. I never should have said any of the horrible things I had said.  
But how was I supposed to know that it could come to this?  
Months ago, I took everything out Spike, constantly complaining about what annoyed me.  
Days ago, I took everything out on Leo, telling him why he and my other brothers annoyed me.  
Now, I was racing across the city, desperately trying to get to my older brother.  
And with every passing second, I understood how precious each moment was.  
Snow was stinging my exposed skin as I ran through the blizzard.  
I was not far from my destination, but a million miles away at the same time.  
So much was at stake.  
The sound of Leo's screams in the distance were pushing me forward.

_*****Post Slash and Destroy.**_**  
**  
It had been three hours, and that was when I started to get a little worried.  
Leo could take care of himself, I had no doubts about that. The fearless leader in blue was the last one out of all of us you ever had to worry about.  
That theory, of course, probably didn't apply on _**Christmas**_ Eve, when a blizzard was coming and it was four degrees outside.  
Even with our heaters on in the lair, it was still a bit chilly.  
I couldn't even imagine how cold it was outside.  
The first hour, I told myself Leo was just trying to clear his head.  
The past two days had been pretty strained between us. We didn't speak, and every time I'd look over to him, he's instantly turn away trying to play off the fact that he was looking at me.  
There was a sadness to him, a regret that wasn't there before our conversation in my bedroom.  
All of my brothers knew I was still weird about losing Spike…they tried all in their own ways to help me move past it.  
Master Splinter gave me some pretty good advice…that kinda went over my head the first time Mikey got me mad three days later.  
Donnie kept making me, stuff like new upgrades for my stealth bike…not that I ever wanted to drive it anymore.  
Mikey was more about trying to get me to do stuff, probably to distract me from thinking about it too much…but he didn't understand I wasn't into being all happy like he was.  
And then there was Leo…who understood me in different ways than the others did. He mostly left me alone, which I had mixed feelings about. It made me happy because he was the only one who wasn't totally annoying me. It pissed me off because it was like he didn't care about it. He was ignoring it and hoping it would go away.  
Some brother he was, asking me what was wrong.  
Some _fearless leader_ he was, avoiding the problem.  
I had every intent of telling him just how pissed I was as soon as the opportunity presented itself, but at the rate our interactions were going, that wasn't going to be soon.  
I'd lost all faith that I'd ever get to tell any of them just how angry I was…until the 22nd of December. Just three days short of _**Christmas**_.  
Mikey did it again, he bugged me enough to where I had to leave the room just so I could feel like I could breathe.  
Out of habit, I went to my room.  
Out of habit, I started speaking aloud.  
"Ugh, I can't believe how annoying they can be…"  
Out of habit, my eyes fell to Spike's empty bed.  
My heart dropped as I realized his bed was still empty.  
It had become a cycle; for the past few weeks, every time I would enter my room, I would have to convince myself that the nightmare was real.  
Spike. My Spike. My pet, my best friend was gone. Taken away by mutagen and a vendetta against my family, all at my own fault.  
I regretted saying the things I said about my brothers, but even more so, I regretted letting my best friend become evil.  
Truth be told, I was the one who created that monster. The mutagen only amplified it.  
All of the things I ever said to Spike…I never meant them. It was in-the-moment bullshit, that's all. I'd never want to actually separate from my brothers. I'd never want to actually be alone. I just wish I could have made that clearer at the time.  
I laid down on my bed and tried to hold the sadness back again…but I could feel it building up. I'd been bottling it all up for weeks, and I knew I couldn't keep doing that to myself for too much longer.  
I knew it was only a matter of time before I cracked.  
That was when I heard a small tapping on my door. Sad excuse for a knock there, Mikey.  
I ignored the knock, hoping he'd go away. He usually did if I ignored him.  
That was when I heard the door creak open. It had to be Donnie. He was way more persistent than Mikey.  
But I wasn't having any of it.  
"I told you guys to leave me alone," I announced, hoping he really was the family genius and would take the hint.  
The door only opened further, letting more light in. I groaned as I heard the door close, and footsteps stop in the middle of my room.  
I looked over to him, annoyed.  
I was shocked to find Leo, in the center on my floor looking at me like he was nervous.  
"What do you want, Fearless?" I was careful not to let my surprise taint my voice.  
I knew Leo hated the name, and I _wanted_ to piss him off. After realizing he had ignored my problems for weeks and then he acted like he wanted to care? I wasn't buying into that.  
"Just to talk," he admitted while kneeling down, seeming more awkward than fearless.  
"Hah," I laughed at his response. "Yeah, okay, Leo. Whatever."  
I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. Had he not realized how much of a dick he had been?  
"I can't talk to you?" he challenged me.  
I thought about it for a second.  
"No, you probably can't," I told him.  
"Why can't I?" he asked, sounding frustrated?  
He _had_ to be joking. He could not have been fucking serious. Leo had absolutely no right to barge into my room when I'd told him to stay out, and get angry with me.  
I was the one who was suffering. I was the one who lost my best friend. And here came Leonardo, the perfect one thinking he had some kind of right to be upset with me?  
Hell no, I wasn't going to take that.  
"You know what?" I sat up to look at him while I spoke. "You're right, you _can_ talk to me. And that's the problem."  
"What do you—"  
"All of you _can_ talk to me," I cut him off before he could even finish his question. "You can go on and on and on. But that's all any of you ever do.  
"In your heads, 'talking to me' means telling me how you feel. All of you always tell me everything I should do, but do you ever ask about how I feel? No, none of you do, because you're all busy talking all the time. You don't _let me_ talk. You don't _listen_ to me.  
"And that's why it hurts so badly, Leo, because I know that's the real reason why you're in here. I lost the one person who did listen. Don't you dare tell me he was just a pet, because he wasn't. He was more than that. He would do what none of you ever did.  
"It's to a point where I don't even want to try to talk to you guys, because even if I did, it wouldn't help. You can run out of this room and tell Donnie and Mikey everything that I just told you, and it wouldn't matter. You'd only listen to me from this point on because I yelled at you.  
"So get out of my room, Leo. I have no fucking desire to be _talked at_ by any of you right now."  
I took a couple of breathes after I'd finished my monologue. At some point in my speech, I realized I had begun yelling.  
It had been so long since I could let loose like that. Spend all my emotions and just breathe. It definitely wasn't the same as talking to Spike, but God damn it felt good to get that out.  
Leo stared at me like he was horrified. My words hit him like I intended them to. But something about the way he looked at me, I could tell I hit him harder than I thought.  
Somewhere inside of me, I felt a little bad for yelling at him. But that part of me was buried deep, deep, deep, deep down. Completely covered up by how relieved I felt.  
I hadn't felt that good since before Spike…  
And yet here Leo was, staring at me with all this hurt in his eyes, slowly chipping away at that good feeling bit by bit.  
Leo silently stood up, that same appalled look in his eyes and slowly shuffled towards my door. And I really did want him to leave, because something about that look he was giving me was starting to hit me.  
He gripped my doorknob in his palm and halfway turned to face me.  
"Why haven't you ever told me that before?" he asked me so lowly that I barely heard it.  
"That's the thing, Leo," I couldn't stop myself from speaking. "I have told you that before."  
I laid with my back to him so I didn't have to see how he reacted to my words. I didn't want to, not if just his expression could affect me the way it was.  
I heard the door close.  
And slowly but surely, the guilt was starting to grow on me.  
I could tell my words really did fuck with him.

That conversation replayed throughout my head so many times, and that was the last time I'd spoken to Leo for two days. He even avoided me even more throughout the day than he had been before.  
But there was something different about him: he looked like he was searching for something.  
I tried brushing it off telling myself that I deserved to say those things.  
It didn't really help, and I felt like we both ended up moping around about it.  
It seemed like no time had passed at all and it was finally _**Christmas**_ Eve.  
I decided enough was enough. I was going to make an effort to be cheerful with my family.  
No sense in ruining the holiday for everyone.  
And hell, if Leo wanted to talk to me, he could.  
I sat on the sofa and read my magazine that Mikey had ruined. Honestly, it wasn't in all that bad of shape…  
Donnie was surfing the internet on his laptop and Mikey was sorting through presents under the tree, no doubt trying to guess what his were.  
Maybe getting Donnie to build him that water balloon launcher wasn't the best idea…  
I sat there and smiled slightly to myself. I finally realized that I didn't really care.  
It was _**Christmas**_. It was family time.  
Above everything, the pain from losing Spike and the argument I'd had with Leo, I had my brothers and my father, and I was thankful for them.  
I was thankful to Master Splinter for raising us and teaching us to survive as ninjas. Our kick ass weapons were always a bonus, too.  
I was thankful to Mikey for all the food he made for us. He annoyed the hell outta me a lot with his stupid jokes and his water balloons…but he was my baby brother and he was always good for a laugh.  
I was thankful for Donnie's nerdiness. Even I couldn't deny that he built some pretty cool stuff all the time, and having someone so smart to rely on when we needed him was always a good thing.  
I was thankful to Leo for being everything a big brother, a _leader_, should have been. The dude butted heads with me way too much all the time, but at the end of the day, Leo was my best friend…  
Leo was my best friend.  
He could never replace Spike, but he obviously was willing to try to take the role.  
And I robbed him of that chance.  
"Leo, where are you going?" Mikey asked aloud before I could expand my thoughts anymore.  
I looked up to see Leo making his way towards the exit of the lair. And I waited for his answer.  
Donnie had been talking all day about some crazy snow storm that was supposed to hit that night, and judging from the temperature in the lair even with our heaters on, it was definitely cold outside, only getting colder.  
"Just for a quick run," Leo answered, looking everywhere but on me.  
Quick run my shell. Leo was up to something.  
"Leo, it's 13 degrees outside," Donnie sounded just as suspicious as I was. "You really shouldn't go out. I think the city can handle us skipping one night of patrolling. And it's _**Christmas**_, take the night off."  
Leo paused and bit his lip. He was _definitely_ up to something.  
"I won't be long," he finally said after a few seconds of awkward silence. "And I have my T-phone if you guys need me."  
He didn't give us any more chances to protest. He was out of sight before anything else could be said.  
Donnie and I looked at each other. Mikey was still absorbed in what he was doing.  
"So I'm not the only one here who thought that was bullshit, right?" I asked Donnie.  
"Raph, do you have to use strong language on _**Christmas**_Eve?" he pretended to sigh.  
"Oh come on, Donnie," I rolled my eyes at him. "You know that Leo went out to do something."  
"He has been acting pretty weird over these past few days," Mikey commented, shaking a box next to his head trying to guess what was in it.  
Part of my hoped that box was mine so that he'd break the water balloon launcher…I realized he'd use the stupid thing on me too.  
But more importantly, I wasn't the only one who saw Leo's change in behavior. I knew I was the cause, but I didn't think he'd act any different around the others. Maybe my speech hit him harder than I thought.  
"Hm," Donnie looked like he was lost in thought.  
I drummed my fingers on my knee, waiting for whatever brilliant response he was going to come up with.  
"He has been pretty strange lately," Donnie finally said, looking back to me with a weird look in his eyes. "Any ideas why, Raph?"  
Donnie had already pieced together that I was the reason for Leo's weird mood. Perfect.  
"I'm sure you already know," I told him, finding no purpose for attempting to avoid the truth.  
"What did you guys talk about the other night?" Donnie jumped straight into the question.  
Mikey stopped rummaging through the presents and looked over to me, curious as well.  
Great, so now I was the bad guy…AGAIN…  
"I just told him the truth," I sighed. "How you guys never listen to what I have to say and never give me a chance to talk."  
"Uh, bro, yeah we do," Mikey said in a matter-of-fact tone.  
I stared at him, my mouth hanging open in disbelief.  
"Like when?!" I demanded, angry that he could even think that.  
"Remember how I tried to apologize to you for almost hitting Spike?" Donnie stated. "I started to say I was sorry but you cut me off and said sorry 'doesn't cut it'."  
"Yeah, but I…" I started to defend.  
"And sometimes, you do bad stuff without even apologizing to us," Mikey cut my off. "Remember when you ruined my Alienoids comic? It was in mint condition and you totally trashed it. Did you ever say you were sorry? No."  
"Well I—"

"And think about all the times Leo's risked his shell just to save us, to save you," Donnie continued. "Did he ever ask us to thank him? No. So don't think we don't do anything for you Raph, because we do."  
I had completely lost any ability to put together any form of an argument at that point. I just sat there and listened, feeling more and more like a horrible person each time they spoke to me.  
I learned something in those moments. These were my brothers, it was basically their job to annoy me and to push my buttons and to get under my shell all the time, but at the end of the day, as long as we were together, it was fine. What siblings don't argue from time to time, anyway?  
I loved my brothers. I'd rather have them around to annoy me from time to time than not have them at all.  
What sucked was that it took a giant monster attacking them, weeks of moping, and an argument to teach me that lesson.  
"Alright," I said loud enough to stop Mikey from talking. "I get it, guys, I'm sorry."  
Donnie and Mikey both looked at me, shocked. I didn't blame them; I wouldn't have expected an apology from me either. But they broke through to me.  
I had been right all along. All they ever did was talk at me…but did I ever listen?  
Both of them were silent as I continued.  
"I'm sorry guys, I really am. You're both right, I've been pretty selfish. I need to realize that I have to be thankful for all of you and what you've done for me. I'd never give that up. You guys are my family and I'd never want that to change."  
I saw Mikey smiling, and Donnie nodding like they approved of my monologue. Like I finally understood what they'd been trying to teach me. And I did.  
And it felt pretty good to say all of that stuff and mean it.  
It felt even better than complaining to Spike.  
"I'll talk to Leo when he gets back," I concluded, resting against the back of the couch.  
"Well, I guess we'll get out of the room for when he comes back," Donnie said, ushering Mikey. "He did say he wouldn't be long…I'll be in my lab."  
Donnie shuffled out of the room with Mikey behind him.  
Without warning, Mikey ran up to me and wrapped his arms around me tightly. He was almost choking me.  
"I love you bro," he said. "I'm so happy that you're happy again! Merry _**Christmas**_!"  
I chuckled to myself as he let go and ran off to his bedroom.  
Once the door was closed, I looked over to the clock we kept on the wall. It was only nine PM. Pretty early for our standards.  
Out of all of us, Leo was the one you had to worry least about. He was always the responsible one. From the past few days, getting out was good for him. And he'd be smarter not to stay out too long with the temperature dropping.  
I would wait for him to come home. Let him clear his head before I talked to him.  
By the first hour, I was a little weary. What could Leo possibly be doing that would make him stay out in the cold that long?  
By the second hour, I was slightly worried. The temperature was dropping a little too fast for me to be comfortable with my brother out there, unprotected.  
By the third hour, a red flag went up for me. And I mean a literal red flag, my T-phone buzzed with a red flag icon on it.  
I looked down at the phone to see it alerting me of an oncoming blizzard…Donnie made these things with so many cool features. The fact that I got emergency weather updates was impressive.  
But it was also alarming.  
Leo was out there. Alone. With no reason or protection from the elements. For being the one I never had to worry about, I was pretty damn worried.  
"Raph?" Donnie called my name peaking his head through the door to his lab.  
I turned to look at him.  
"Sup?" I asked.  
"Did Leo ever make it back?" he asked, looking confused.  
"No," I told him, relieved to not be the only one obviously concerned.  
Donnie frowned even more and emerged from the room, staring down at his T-phone.  
"Look at this," he said, showing me his phone.  
A massive circle of blues, purples, pinks and whites were spinning over a map of New York. He was showing me the radar with a huge blizzard about to slam the city. And Leo was out in the middle of it.  
"This storm's about to hit and Leo hasn't checked in at all," he pointed out. "I'm worried."  
"Me too…" I muttered.  
Donnie then began tapping his phone screen, and studying it again.  
"Leo hasn't moved from this spot in a few minutes," Donnie said showing me the phone again.  
A little blue dot was blinking on a map similar to the radar one but without the crazy colors. I saw a few inches away a purple dot, red dot and orange dot. Way up in the corner, I saw a slow moving yellow dot getting further and further away from the rest.  
I looked up to him confused.  
"I programed all the T-phones to have a tracker so if we ever needed to, we could find each other," Donnie explained. "The purple, orange and red would be us, and we're here in the lair. The yellow is April's T-phone. Obviously, the blue is Leo, and he's been at the docks for a few minutes now. He can't stay out in this storm regardless of what he's doing. Being a turtle, we're cold blooded. Put cold blooded turtles out in single digit degree weather, and…it's not a good mixture."  
"I'll call him," I told him, not wanting to think about Leo freezing to death on _**Christmas**_ Eve…  
I tapped Leo's contact button on my phone and brought the receiver up to my head, waiting. It rang for a few seconds with no answer.  
Another red flag for me, Leo _always_ answered our phone calls.  
Something wasn't right.  
I tried calling him again, but with the same result.  
Something definitely wasn't right.  
I looked to Donnie who was gaining a panic in his eyes.  
"I'm going to get him," I said, handing Donnie my phone. "Show me how to do the tracker thing."  
"No, I'm going with you," Donnie protested.  
I shook my head at him.  
"If something's really wrong," I told him. "Then I need you to be on standby. I'll call you if we need back up. If I get to Leo and he needs anything medical, you need to be here ready to go when we get back."  
Donnie bit his lips and weighed my words. He knew I was right.  
"Here's the tracker," he showed me reluctantly. "Leo's at the docks here, which thankfully is only a few blocks away from here."  
I jumped up and started running for the exit.  
"Hurry back, Raph," Donnie called to me. "You can't stay out in the cold too long either."  
I wasn't even a few yards from the lair and I was always freezing inside of my shell. By the time I got to the actual surface with the wind chill and the snowstorm, I my teeth were chattering.  
I looked down at my phone to see Leo's little dot still hadn't moved.  
It was good that he was in the same spot.  
It was bad that he was in the same spot.  
Either he loved the idea of turning into a turtle-cicle, or something was keeping him there. And aside from April being our only friend up on the surface, I doubted it was a good thing.  
I sprinted faster than I ever had in my life. I ran openly down the streets of New York City, not worried about being seen. No one was insane enough to be out in this weather unless they were being forced to…  
My dark thoughts somehow pushed me to run impossibly faster.  
I wasn't paying attention to the road and slid a few times on the ice frozen there.  
I hated myself for talking to Leo the way I had. I knew he'd left the lair because of me. I knew he probably avoided coming back for the first few hours because of me.  
If something truly bad had happened to him, how was I supposed to forgive myself for it?  
I looked back down to my T-phone, unable to stop and read the street signs. That little GPS was the only was I could see where I was going.  
I was relieved to see I was only three blocks away.  
That was when I heard the first scream.  
And I knew it was Leo's scream. I could never forget the sound of Leo's scream.

_***  
It was me and Leo's first time ever exploring the tunnels out on our own. And we were only seven years old!  
God did I feel like a big kid.  
Master Splinter finally told us we were old enough to see what was in the sewers by ourselves, because we were almost ten.  
"We'll be careful Sensei," Leo promised, trying to sound grown up like always.  
Master Splinter seemed reluctant to let us go on our own, but Mikey was sick and Donnie was afraid of the dark. He had no desire to go down the tunnels.  
That left Leo and I bored with nothing to do, and we were at an age when we understood there was more to the world than just our little home.  
We'd been trying to convince Sensei to let us explore the sewers for weeks, but he never agreed to it. Still, Leo and I never lost hope. We wanted to explore so badly.  
Leo was always trying to be like the dumb space ship guy he watched on TV, brave and adventurous. I just wanted to go see what was hidden in the tunnels. Who knew what kind of cool stuff was back there?  
And finally one day, Sensei said we could go.  
We were out the door within seconds.  
Leo and I were racing down the tunnels; we were constantly back in fourth in first place.  
"Alright!" I said, stopping so we could both catch our breath. "We need to make this more fun…"  
"How?" Leo huffed.  
We'd both been running for almost an hour, but we couldn't stop. It was too much fun.  
"We need to prove who's the best," I told him.  
I looked all around and spotted a corner a few yards away.  
"Whoever gets to that corner first," I pointed over to it. "Is the winner, and the loser has to do their chores for a week."  
Leo nodded, grinning. Determination flashed in his eyes as he looked over to the corner.  
"You're on," was all he said.  
We both kneelt down on one knee, preparing to sprint again.  
"Three," I counted aloud.  
Leo was faster than me, but I knew I could beat him. I knew I could.  
"Two," Leo said, bouncing with anticipation.  
Just thinking about Leo having to do my chores for a week was awesome. There was no way I'd let that opportunity slide.  
"One…" I held my breath.  
"GO!" Leo shouted.  
We were both running, probably faster than either of us could. Whoever said turtles were slow was an idiot.  
Just like I predicted, Leo was beating me. I pushed myself, but my legs were shorter than his and I couldn't keep up with him 100%.  
I was going to have double chores for a week? Heck no, that wasn't gonna happen!  
I had to beat him…I had to come up with something, and even though he was right in front of me, he was so close to the corner…  
Instincts took over. I lunged for him, tackling him to the ground. He landed and rolled in a weird way, but I didn't think about it. I jumped back up and finished the race, proud that I won.  
The pride lasted for maybe…three seconds.  
The sound of Leo screaming and crying echoed off the tunnel walls.  
I looked down to see him on the ground, clutching his right leg and crying.  
I hurt him. Uh oh.  
I tried to approach him, but the way he was crying…it terrified me. I had no idea what to do, and we were alone in the dark.  
None of us had ever been seriously hurt before, and I could tell something was really wrong with Leo's leg from the way he was holding it.  
His screams of pain didn't let up. He tried to move himself but he only screamed louder.  
I was frozen in place, too scared to move, too scared to make it any worse.  
It was my fault.  
When I did finally move, it was to take a step back. My shell hit the wall as my eyes stayed locked on Leo. I had messed up bad.  
Leo's crying let up little by little, but he never actually stopped.  
Eventually Sensei had found us. He said he could hear the crying all the way from the lair. Thankfully we weren't actually that far away.  
Leo couldn't walk home, Master Splinter had to carry him while I followed behind.  
Neither of us said anything. I was waiting for Leo to tell on me the whole way back.  
He never did.  
Sensei looked at Leo's leg once he had finally stopped crying and when we were finally back in lair.  
"It appears your kneecap has popped out of its proper place, my son," Sensei assessed. "How did this happen?"  
I tensed. This was it, Sensei was gonna punish me for the rest of my life…  
"Well, Raph and I were racing…" Leo stated to answer, looking over at me with tear-glazed eyes.  
I don't know what look I had on my face, but I knew it wasn't a good one.  
"And I tripped," was all he said.  
"Hm," Splinter nodded, looking over the leg again. "Perhaps we should work on balance exercises soon."  
I stared at Leo wide-eyed. He looked down at his knee, then back up to Sensei waiting to see what to do.  
"I have to pop the bones back in place," he said. "It is going to hurt badly, Leonardo. Let me go get something for you to bit down on."  
Master Splinter left the room to retrieve a towel, and I was next to Leo's side within seconds.  
"Wh—why didn't you tell on me?" I asked him in disbelief.  
"Because you're gonna have to do both of our chores for two weeks if you want me to stay quiet," he grinned strangely.  
Obviously he was still in pain, but that was Leo. He still won in the end, and I was in for a busy two weeks. But doing his chores until his leg was better probably was the right thing to do.  
I never actually meant for him to get hurt, but he did. So…I owed him. And I was just thankful he wasn't crying any more, because that was terrifying to see.  
Master Splinter came back with a towel and a pale of warm water. I backed away to give them some space.  
"Be very still," he instructed as he placed the towel in Leo's mouth. "Bite down."  
Leo nodded, and bite down as hard as he could.  
Sensei took a deep breath and pushed down on Leo's knee.  
I swear his eyes bulged out of his head or something, and even though he had a towel in his mouth, he managed to scream louder than before.  
Or maybe I just heard it louder than before.  
Either way, I bolted from the room, totally disgusted with myself.  
I could still hear the screaming behind my closed door.  
***_

Another scream, a real scream, brought me out of the flashback I was having.  
From living with him for 15 years, I learned that there were different types of screams with Leo. There were screams of anger, like he was defending us. Screams of happiness, like when he was winning whatever we were playing. Screams of fear, like when those crazy squirrelanoids attacked.  
And then there were screams of pain, like right now.  
Someone was going to die. Whoever was causing Leo so much pain wasn't going to live past the night.  
My _**Christmas**_ gift to them would be a slow and painful death.  
I didn't even think about it. I threw myself in the open area of the dock, looking in the direction of where Leo's screaming had been coming from.  
What I saw—who I saw almost brought me to my knees.  
Spike—Slash was there with his back to me, standing over Leo's body.  
Leo's _body_…  
_Was he_…  
Without warning, Slash slammed hit foot down on Leo's arm, and Leo jolted with the sudden impact.  
I swear on my life, I head the sound of the arm break. It was this crunching noise that I could never for the life of me describe. The snapping of it, it made me want to throw up.  
Shock had completely taken over every cell in my body. I couldn't force myself to move as Leo became animated again. He screamed louder than I had ever heard him scream before, louder than I thought possible. It was like he broke the fucking sound barrier with that scream.  
My brother was screaming and cursing. It was kind of strange, I had never heard Leo curse before, and I didn't think he ever would have without the proper motivation.  
Pain is a powerful motivator.  
I knew he was in pain. I had been hearing him scream since I was four blocks away. That wasn't the only bone of Leo's that Slash had broken.  
Slash lifted Leo by his other arm, and I noticed he had a giant metal thing chained to him. An anchor?  
He hoisted Leo's limp and broken figure over the water and stared at him for a few moments. He was proud of what he had done.  
Leo was in so much pain because of me…and I knew it _was_ because of me. It was because of all those horrible things I said, I created this monster. Donnie and Mikey had tried to tell me that it was the mutagen, but I knew Slash didn't come from that. Slash was born from my words of anger.  
Slash fully intended to let Leo drown. With a shattered arm and an anchor tied to the other, there was no way Leo could swim to the surface…assuming he didn't freeze to death in the water before he had the chance. If it was single digit temperatures in the air, I couldn't imagine how cold the water was.  
I didn't want either Leo or I to have to find out.  
"SLASH!" I yelled as loud as I could over the wind.  
He halfway turned to face me, still holding Leo. Thank God, most of me expected him to drop Leo instantly.  
He got a sick smile on his face the second he saw it was me.  
"Raphael!" he cheered, turning to look at me. "It's been a while buddy! How ya doin'?"  
I kept my eyes on Leo, whose body was now facing me. And he was so much more fucked up than I had originally thought. His limp body was covered in cuts and bruises. My heart sank further and further every time I picked out a new injury on his body, and I noticed Slash had absolutely nothing wrong with him.  
This wasn't right. Slash was more powerful than all of us, but Leo definitely would have left some marks on him.  
Had Leo even tried to defend himself…?  
"Put Leo down, Slash," I ordered darkly.  
I had enough of looking over Leo. I had lost count of his bruises, and I knew he needed medical attention right away.  
"I was about to before you interrupted me," Slash laughed, inclining his head back towards the water.  
_No.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  
Fuck no_.  
"Don't you fucking dare…" I hissed at him, drawing my sais.  
"Sorry Raph," he said in a sarcastic tone. "I told ya last time, there's no turning back now."  
He moved so fast I almost didn't see it happen.  
Slash spun around and dropped Leo. I watched helplessly as he plummeted into the water.

"LEO!" I screamed, charging after him.  
Slash's arm shot out and grabbed me, slamming me into some shipping crates.  
I recovered quickly, and ran straight for the water again.  
Part of me calculated how good my chances of hitting Slash's pressure point again would be… Probably not good, I needed something else.  
I could see Leo's air bubbles as they popped onto the surface. How many more of those would I see before they stopped?  
Again, Slash grabbed me and threw me back. I was prepared that time, though.  
I flipped out of his hands and landed on my feet back away from him.  
He extended both of his arms, blocking the water. How was I supposed to get around him and get to Leo? He was way stronger than me. There was no way to overpower him.  
I realized that the only way to get to Leo was to get him away from the edge.  
My T-phone was in my hand faster than I could process, and I hit Donnie's speed dial button.  
It rang twice before I got an answer.  
"Raph?" Donnie's voice asked through the speaker.  
"DONNIE!" I exploded, charging at Slash again. "WE'VE GOT TROUBLE. GET THE SHELLRAISER HERE NOW."  
Slash grabbed my T-phone out of my hand and crushed it effortlessly, holding me firmly in his other.  
"Trying the same thing three times won't work, Raph," he laughed, attempting to throw me again.  
This time, I grabbed onto his arm and held on. When he tried to release me, I was still there. I then flipped myself over his back and kicked him, sending him flying towards the crates he'd smashed me into earlier.  
I looked down at the black water.  
My heart skipped a beat as I realized there were no more air bubbles.  
"You'll die if you go in there!" Slash warned, standing back up.  
He was right. If I stayed in that water too long, I would freeze to death for sure.  
But my brother was in there, and it was my turn to risk my life to save him.  
I didn't give it a second thought.  
I dove into that black water.  
There are certain moments of your life when you learn to understand things in a whole new way. I had never known what cold was until the moment I broke the surface.  
It felt like knives stabbing me all over. The freezing stung every inch of my body and the shock forced the oxygen to escape my mouth. I opened my eyes to realize I couldn't see anything.  
It was all darkness.  
I frantically felt around for Leo, and my right arm slammed into his arm pad. I latched onto him, all too eager to get out of the water.  
He was too heavy for my to pull up. I realized he was still chained to the damn anchor.  
Fuck.  
I blindly pulled at the chained, trying to untangle it. The universe was on my side in those moments, because I successfully managed to get it off of him. I slung his good arm around my shoulder and kicked towards the surface.  
I'll never understand why I expected to feel any form of relief when I got out of the water. It was just colder when I hit the surface.  
The wind chill definitely didn't help as it smacked ice crystals into my face.  
I hurled Leo's icy body back on to the dock and somehow found the strength to pull myself up.  
Fuck was it cold…  
It was so co cold that my energy was completely drained.  
I was a turtle; I was capable of swimming for God how knows how long. And yet here I was, completely exhausted after only mere seconds of swimming.  
I sucked in the frigid air and the sharp temperature burned my lungs.  
I had no memories of warmth as I shivered violently. I had completely forgotten what heat felt like…  
My eyes opened as I looked down to see Leo next to me. He was completely unconscious, and his skin was a mixture of pale green and blue…  
_Holy fuck_…  
"Leo…?" I managed to whisper.  
I was still so drained. So fucking spent.  
He didn't give me any response.  
I wanted to reach out to him, but I couldn't move. I just wanted to sleep.  
I felt my body get lifted up into the air and thrown. Slash was back, coming after me again. If I hadn't been so numb from the cold, it probably would have hurt crashing into the ground and rolling the way I had.  
I landed on my shell a few yards away from Leo. He still wasn't moving.  
"What's wrong with you, Raph?" Slash lifted me up to his face and yelled. "Why can't ya just be happy with what I'm tryna do for ya?"  
"I was wrong, Spike," I told him calmly, too tired to yell.  
Too tired to fight at all.  
And with every passing second, I was getting more and more tired.  
More and more cold…  
He hissed and threw me again and I rolled right back over to Leo. I even hit his legs and came to a stop. I managed to look up to him and see his lips twitch at my impact.  
Well, at least he was alive.  
"Yer just as pathetic as they are," Slash was back at my side mocking me. "I shoulda finished ya when I had the chance."  
"You would have if you wanted to," I told him, looked back up to him.  
He only glared at me.  
"Spike, if you really wanted me dead, you would have killed me by now," I continued. "I have no energy to fight you, and even if I did, I still wouldn't. If you really want to finish me, go ahead. I can't stop you."  
His dark eyes widened, and he raised his foot high above me, ready to stomp me to death.  
This was it. With Leo by my side, these were the last few seconds of my life.  
If I had to go, at least I had Leo, my real best friend, with me.  
And I tried not to think about what Slash would do to him once he finished me.  
My eyes slowly closed as I waited for him to kill me. I couldn't keep them open anymore, anyway.  
And I couldn't stay awake anymore, either.  
"Next time," I swore I heard someone say.

Warmth.  
Not nearly as enough as I would have liked, but still, there was warmth.  
Enough for me to notice. Enough to bring me back to awareness.  
My eyes opened slowly to a dim lit room, the lair…the living room maybe? I blinked a couple of times as my vision became clearer.  
Donnie's lab. I was in Donnie lab.  
I was still really tired. I was still way too weak to move around freely. The weight of what felt like a blanket pinned me down to whatever I was laying on. I didn't even attempt to protest it.  
I slowly turned my head to see Leo and Donnie across from me. Donnie was standing holding a thermometer in Leo's mouth, and Leo was sitting up, wrapped in a blanket as well.  
_Holy shit, Leo was alive_.  
It was like he heard my thoughts, because his eyes fell on mine.  
And they went wide.  
"Thank God, Raph," was all he said.  
Donnie turned to face me, and sighed in relief.  
"Thank God you called me," he said, turning his attention to me. "Had Mikey and I been any later, you two might not have made it through that. Two cold-blooded reptiles soaking wet in a blizzard? You're both the luckiest turtles to ever live."  
"Pretty sure we were the luckiest turtles when we were mutated and became super cool ninja turtles," Mikey pointed out, alerting me he was in the room.  
Donnie played with my bag that was suspended over me. I think it was an IV.  
My body was still pretty freezing.  
"What do I have to do to get the heater turned on in here?" I coughed, my voice hoarse.  
"Nope," Donnie told me. "No exposure to extreme heat. That's bad for people with hypothermia."  
"Hypothermia?" I gasped.  
"Well, Raph, you can't exactly dive into negative temperature water, dry off in negative degree winds, and expect not to suffer from some illness."  
I shut my mouth and just let Donnie do whatever he had to do to fix me.  
My eyes fell back to Leo, who was still staring at me.  
"Well, both of you should be just fine," Donnie muttered. "But you guys need rest, so we'll get out of here. C'mon Mikey."  
"Wait, I wanna know what happened!" Mikey whined.  
"You didn't see him…?" I questioned.  
"See who?" Mikey asked.  
Slash must have left before Donnie and Mikey got there. Either he left us to die, or he assumed we were dead already.  
Or even…he spared us?  
Probably not, but still…lucky us.  
"Nevermind, you guys can go," I told them.  
They finally left Leo and I alone in the room and I turned back to him.  
"Leo, what the fuck were doing thinking?" I instantly demanded.  
"Me?" He shot back. "What about you?! Diving into that water to pull me out wasn't okay Raph!"  
"And letting Slash torture you to death was?"  
He pursed his lips and looked away. He knew that I knew what he had done.  
"I was protecting you guys," he finally said, his voice low.  
"Leo, we wouldn't ever want that to happen to you," I informed him. "I wouldn't ever want that to happen to you."  
He hesitantly turned back to me, and I sucked in a breath.  
"Look bro, I realized I was wrong," I said. "About not having anyone to talk to, to accept me, and whatever else I said…I have that and more. I have you, Mikey and Donnie. I might not always get along with you guys, but you are my family. And family will always come first."  
I meant it. I meant every word.  
My brothers could drive me insane, but at the end of the day, they were there for me. I didn't always understand them right away, but they did whatever it took to make sure I was okay in the end.  
And that really was enough for me.  
I laid my head back down, pretty beat from all the talking. Donnie did say we needed rest, and a glance at the clock on the wall said it was 5:41 in the morning.  
"Merry _**Christmas**_, Leo," I muttered, closing my eyes.  
"Merry _**Christmas**_, Raph," he replied.  
I let myself fall back asleep.


	4. Epilogue

**Raphael's P.O.V.:**

Leo and I slept for…well, I actually lost track of the days. Hypothermia kicked both of our asses, and we were both sick for like a week before we could get up again.  
We basically lived in Donnie lab for days, unable to really get up and do anything aside from take our time and heal.  
Leo was slower than me because he was actually hurt. Donnie actually had to reconstruct the bone in his right arm, which was hard to think about.  
When Leo was done, his arm was encased in a giant cast, which was kind of hard to look it. It was basically a huge reminded of the beating Leo took for us, for me.  
As for **_Christmas_**… We actually ended up celebrating a few days late because of our injuries. Leo and I were just too dead as our bodies slowly regained their normal temperatures which Donnie said could have taken a few days due to being cold-blooded.  
It didn't affect our family one bit. Mikey even managed to wait to open his presents with the rest of us. We all exchanged gifts and spent the day together when April came home. It was just as good.  
"Awesome, Donnie, thanks!" I told him as I unwrapped the electric shuriken he made me.  
I couldn't wait to use them on the Kraang…or maybe a Purple Dragon…or Xever. The possibilities were endless.  
I put them onto my pile of other gifts and counted. I had four gifts where as everyone else had five. Did April not get me anything?  
No, she had given me the set of interchangeable dumbbells… Someone had skipped me.  
I matched each gift to their giver and realize Leo didn't give me anything.  
I looked over at him, confused. He didn't have anything else. Did he not get me a present? Dork…  
"I got you something, Raph," he laughed. "You have to wait until tonight to get it."  
The hours felt like years as the suspense built. I really was excited for whatever it was Leo had for me. I mean, it had to be pretty damn amazing if I had to wait until nightfall to get it.  
What made me even more excited for it, was the fact that we had to travel topside to get to it.  
Donnie told us we shouldn't have gone outside, but Leo assured him we'd be okay where we were going.  
We ran, not as fast as usual, across the rooftops to wherever Leo's present was. We had to take it slow because too much movement hurt Leo's chest with his apparently cracked ribs.  
I was pretty relieved when I found out they were only cracked. I don't know how Donnie could have gotten past Leo's plastron if he needed to do anything, and Donnie didn't seem to know either.  
We finally stopped on a rooftop and Leo turned to look at me.  
I knew where we were, it was so familiar. I knew I had been there before, I just couldn't remember when.  
"Alright Raph, stay up here and I'll be right back," Leo said.  
I looked at him warily, but nodded. He slipped down over the side of the building out of sight, and a small part of me wondered where he was going.  
But once I couldn't see him anymore, I didn't think about it.  
Honestly in the moment, I was more intent on remembering why I knew where we were.  
What significant event had happened here…?

**Leonardo's P.O.V.:**

Her back was to me as she sat at her tea table, a box of crayons next to her. All the colors were spilled on the table as she concentrated on her work.  
I tapped on the glass gently, trying not to make too much noise.  
Sophie's eager eyes shot over to me, and a smile spread across her face as she ran to the window and opened it.  
"Mr. Turtle!" she squeaked as she hugged me tightly.  
"Hi again," I choked back a groan of pain as she practically choked me.  
She backed away from me, noticing my cast and my wrapped up ribs.  
"What happened to you, Mr. Turtle?" her face fell and concern draped her voice.  
"I had a bad night," I told her honestly, sparing her five-year-old ears the details of how I was almost beaten to death.  
That was what _every_ five-year-old child wanted to hear…  
She still seemed worried about it, but I smiled at her.  
"Really, I'm okay," I said.  
She nodded, her smile returning. Her smile of innocence and acceptance. Exactly what I was counting on.  
"Do you wanna see the new drawing I made?" she asked, trying to pull me through the window.  
"Actually, I have someone I'd like you to meet," I told her.  
Her eyes lit up with curiosity.  
"Okay!" she chirped.  
"Put on a jacket," I instructed her. "It's kind of cold outside."  
Was it as cold as it was Christmas Eve? No. Did I now have a new respect for the power of the cold and not want to take any chances with it? Absolutely.  
Sophie ran in and out of her closet with her pink jacket, struggling to get it on. I laughed and helped her slide it on over her arms.  
She jumped on my back and I used my good arm to support her weight. I piggybacked her out the window and up the fire escape just like last time.  
I watched as Raph's eyes shifted as we appeared in front of him.

**Raphael's P.O.V.:**

It didn't take me long to remember where I was. This was where Slash and I had fallen through the roof during our first battle.  
Where I found Leo and some little brat playing tea party or whatever.  
A million questions ran through my head.  
Why would he bring me here of all places? Did he know where we were? What could he possibly have for me here?  
And when he popped back up on the roof holding a little girl on his back, one question rose above the rest.  
What the fuck was Leo doing?  
He has us completely exposed to a human. Not only that, but he was holding her.  
He was insane. The pain meds Donnie had been giving him were too strong. He hit his head.  
Something had to explain this.  
I watched suspiciously as the Leo bent down and the little girl slid off his back, standing behind Leo and watching me nervously. Leo put his hand on her back and pushed her forward so that she was next to him. She latched onto his arm, terrified.  
Well, I guess when your first impression of a person is that they crash in through ceilings and burst our through walls, you are kind of nervous about meeting them.  
Everything about her face said fear, but everything in her eyes said curiosity.  
"Uh," I was the first to speak.  
Well, speaking, make a noise…same thing.  
"Raphael," Leo announced. "I'd like you to meet my friend, Sophie. Sophie, this is my brother Raphael."  
What the hell was this introduction? What was so special about this little girl that Leo completely trusted her enough to jeopardize our family by introducing her to me?  
She looked back up to Leo and he looked down at her, nodding.  
Reluctantly, Sophie let go of his hand and walked up to me.  
I looked down at her, waiting to see what she could possibly do. Was she going to scream and run back to Leo?  
Her eyes looked me all over, and the fear slowly melted off her face. Her frown was replaced by a smile.  
I stared at her, confused.  
"Hi," she said sweetly.  
"H—hey," I stupidly replied.  
"I'm Sophie," she told me.  
"Raph," I said.  
There isn't a way for me to describe what happened next.  
She just…hugged me. It was the most sincere hug I'd ever gotten in my life.  
I tensed up at first, honestly because I'd never felt anything like this before. This girl plainly accepted us, accepted me for _what I_ _was_.  
A giant, teenage mutant turtle.  
It was something I'd never thought possible.  
April accepted us because she had no choice. She was thrust into our world when the Kraang started going after her and her father. We were the only ones she could turn to.  
We were thrust into the world of this little girl and she had the choice to scream. To turn us away and run.  
But she didn't apparently.  
Slowly, I hugged her back and looked up to Leo, who was smiling just as big as this child had been.  
I nodded, because I finally understood his gift: someone who could accept me, just like Spike had.  
I couldn't vent to this girl, but I had learned to vent to my brothers. And at the heart of everything, what I really wanted was for someone else – someone who wasn't already in my life – to see me for what I was and not turn away.  
That was exactly what Leo gave me.  
The new sword I gave him seemed pretty lame now…  
Sophie pulled back and looked at me.  
She reached up for my headband and pulled on it.  
"So you're one of those ninja thingies too?" she asked.  
Leo and I both laughed.

_Merry Christmas._


End file.
